Bang Bitches Without Getting Broke Grounds For Divorce Femaledancerblonde Berkeley California Female Dancer Blonde Diary « Rubrika | The Secrets of Mine

If you expect to read a story,you can turn off the page immediatelly. Its just gonna be my nonsesnse mind-filtration again...boring bullscythe. So the story goes on like this:

Last thing I remember are chestnut trees, distant hum of the city,not quite warm weather for a sunny day in april...yes, I think it is april...isnt it? Nevermind...I feel even colder now but my leg stopped shaking for some reason, but thats just ok. Feels like Ive been sitting here for ages now, I have lost my sense of time. It was dark when I woke up and I was laying in a oozy jelly liquid kinda thing. -What the fuck am I writing?! Shit,...well I know what it is, but sure makes no sense to you...last few days I just tend to search for the reason of my frustration...yes, frustration is the right word. My head is full of thoughts I cant figure to words, nor music...I would want to express them so much, but I cant, I cant draw them, I cant formulate them into exact thoughts, melodies...nothing, they are just there, its like being powerless, like stabwounds in my stomach with no blood, no pain,they are just there,you know you should worry, feel pain, or feel anything, but it jsut doesnt get to the state of expression. Can I say I feel alone? please, can I? say yes?...cause I just fuckin do...its not the people around me, people I am making fun with, people I talk to...I just feel distant in my mind, I am somewhere completely else, goofing on the riverside, cuffling in my long long hair, rolling down the riverside in the loads of wet fallen leafs with a calm smile on my face, eyes closed...but on the other side, I am watching myself rolling down from underneath the waters surface, I am naked,all my hair shaved,drowning and cold, cold but horny,caressing the fish swimming round, their slithery finns. I just cant watch myself rolling down, I dont want to meet my ME. With closed eyes I listen to the seductive songs of syrens. Their soft wet bodies touching mine,their full lips kissing mine, letting out the last bits of my breath, in o nother flash of vision,they are all dead bodies ripped to pieces,devouered, dismembered, with blood all over my naked body I just taste it, I cant refuse the inner voice, cant stand the itching feeling on my head...I guess its the source of the scars on top of it and the blood under my nails,my own blood. Muscles shaking arythmically,playing with the silver insect in my hand...but when I wake up, I am still all alone in a bubble of my world. There are only few people trying to get through to me, our fingers are separated only by a thin layer of that bubble, but it thinckens each time I am left alone and in my dreams I find myself in an oval room with the last bits of the sunrays getting through the thick wall...Scratching....no, it wouldnt help...Screaming!...spraying blood out of my throat would only darken my room...my little lonesome white room.

Len si tak rozmyslam jak citam knihu fyziky pana Feymana a nudim sa lne tak pocuvajuc moj partisicovy playlist v Aimpe, preco mam ja vlastne svoje nekontrolovatelne triasky? Feyman spomenul pracu a spomenul svaly. Pruhovane kostrove svaly funguju na baze rychlich impulzov, impluz,napnutie,uvolnenie, impulz atd. Hladke svalstvo dokaze zmeraviet konstantne, bez toho aby vykonavalo pracu, pruhovane vsak potrebuje impulzy a casom sa unavi a svastvo zacne kmitat, lebo impulzy su nepravidelne. Vznikaju triasky...moje tirasky su vsak nervozitneho charakteru, akoby vzrusenie,ano tak by som to nazval...ale vzrusenie z neznama,nie sexualneho typu. Samozrejme sexualna tematika je pre mna uz zrejme jedina tematika, ktora by mi mala sposobovat nervozit takeho charakteru, ale spat ku general overwiev. Ked citim, ze budem musiet preukazovat nejaku schopnost a zalezi mi na tom aby som nezlyhal a je prilis vela faktorov,nma ktore treba dohliadat, moj mozog to nezvlada a vysiela nepravidelne impulzy. Je to strasne neprijemne, nekontorlovatelne silne krcovite triasky celeho tela, drkocu mi zuby a nemozem poriadne ani hovorit. Prvy krat som to zazil pri jednej intmnejsej situacii s jednym dievcatom v stane na festivale. Samozrejme k nicomu nedoslo...mozno aj kvoli mojim pojebanym triaskam. A teraz ma napada....mozno je to prepojene s mojim urologickym problemom ...tiez je psychickeho charakteru (dobre no, dnes mam priznavaci den/noc...vselijake freakoidne priznania zdravotneho charakteru) Nemozem močiť v blizkosti inych ludi. Niekde v blogu som uz popisoval detaily...bola toaletna miestnost o velkosti 6x3 metre, 5 kabinok a dookola pisolare, vosiel som dnu a na konci miestnosti mocil jeden chlap do pisa, vosiel som do kabinky a cakal som...cakal som dalej...a stale som cakal, odisiel prec ale vzapati sm zacul, ze o dve kabinky dalej niekto sedi...dpc..tak som vedel, ze to nebude jednoduche. Snazil som sa uvolnit, neslo to, tak som tlaciol, nic...nic...po 7 minutach prisla prva kvapka, dlasia a po bolestivom tlaceni dalsich apr,ale stale nie vsetko, tak som sa na to vykaslal :/ je to v prdeli...ale napr ked som s niekym, koho poznam uplne,tak mi to nerobi problem, s rodinou,alebo s basakom mojej skolskej kapely, tos u ludia mojmu srdcu blizki, im som uplne otvoreny...je to psychickeho charakteru...napr ked som opity,tak mi to tiez nerobi problem...ale tento moj rpoblem mi este moze v zivote sposobit strasne vela neprijemnosti :/ a takisto moje triasky...kedysi som sa triasol uz aj z toho ked som sa prvych apr krat stretaval s priatelkou, ale potom,ked sme sa spoznali a zvykli na seba, triasky prestali...tiez je to psychickeho smeru.Rozmyslal som nad psychologom,ale ten by to nevyriesil...hypnoza? bah, kde zozeniem spolahliveho hapnotika? a urcite je to drahy spas....mal som jeden tyzden taky svoj pokusik, ked som chopdil na frekventovane verejne toalety a skusal som...raz sa mi podarilo bezproblemovo vyprazdnit a to bolo ked som bol mierne v temnej nlade, len som vosiel s namosurenou tvarou a vykonal som co bolo treba...az potom som si uvedomil, ze aj vedlajsia kabinka je obsadena...pokrok? uvidi sa...ale co s mojimi triaskami?:/ ja ich chem prekonat, ale da sa to iba ad jedinca k jedincovi a to je bezvysledne. Ked je cloveku zima, trasie sa tiez,predstavte si,ze vonku je -15°C a stojite vo vetre len v spodnom pradle...triaslis te sa uz niekedy od zimy? aj ja...ale moje triasky su este 5 krat silnejsie tak si predstavte jak je to neprijemne ked vam zima nie je a predsa sa vase telo nekontrolovatelne stahuje v krcoch a nic proti tomu nezmoze, nadarmo sa triete, teplo nepomoze,nepomoze ziaden vonkajsi cinitel... KURVA!!! som prekliaty...ale preco takto sakra? :/ keby som albin,alebo na jedno oko slepy,alebo co ja viem,ale nie takto...je to hrozne....keby ma zastavia policajti a maju podozrenie z pouzitia drog a chcu aby som im nastal do skumavky tak im rovno natrcim ruky na puta,lebo vzorku mocu by v ten moment urcite nedostali...spät k chladu...tam to je princip zahrievania tela, trasieme sa lebo stahy svalov vytvaraju energiu a cast nej je teplo,aj ked male...co je vsak problem u mna? chladno mi nie je (hoci som si vsimol,ze pri tych situaciach s pridanym chladom, je efekt intenzovnejsi),ale zeby sa teo chcelo zbavit napätia? zeby svalstvo bolo v stalo strehu a mozog v snahe uvolnit sa vysiela impulzy na prerusenie napätia? ktovie...oki,staci stazovania sa...len ma to tak napadlo...aj tak som to ja

...goes around.When Im tired, its like a hellofa different world, I am depressed, down and cold....so cold like the deepest depths of the universe. Now that time is on again obviously. Cant play, dont want to play, no satisfaction in music, no taste in food, only thoughts, pictures of senseless lamentations, not even my addiction satisfies me no more, I dont need it or I am totally disgusted by myself after "using"...what it is? me and the desert, a downing sun with frostbites on my skin, falling apart from my hair, blood under my nails...again. LIving in a pseudoreality of my thoughts created by me as an shelter from the world I do not like, idealizing everything and everyone, thinking the "will" is enough, the energy can save me, save them, save her. The strings they were once part of me, now I am in denial. Smiles and voices as a perfect mess I am isolated in a glass buble, they are all so dull...I need a rest, a long one with soft pillows on a huge soft bed in a brown messy room with my favourite smells and scents, caressing the skin of my lover, with no purpose, no aim and no future, just that moment...those moments for me are like my soul assylum, perfect calmness,silence,peace, harmony and love, just few minutes isolated from it all, those moments are worth living this brand new hell...I need a rest, I am tired, still awake with many hours of activity in front of me now, sleepless nights with useless awakening...I shall meet friends again, I shall meet them tonight, for once again and then the feast will be over again...for a year...My skin is falling apart, blood under my nails, my back is like a stone and my mind...my mind just wails...into the cold wind.

Just felt so goddamn great today :) ....and writing about school would demage my thoughts about the rest,so I leave it blank :)